Father
by Lif61
Summary: Through the years, Sam and Dean discuss what they want in life and if they can step into the role of fatherhood.


**A/N: Written for week 3 of SPN Hiatus Creations 2019 on tumblr. Prompt: Dad!Winchesters.**

* * *

"Jeez, I never wanna be a freakin' dad," Dean grumbled.

The conversation had started because of a hunt. Sam and Dean had run into a single dad with two twin boys, and he really seemed to have his hands full, especially after one of the boys had gone missing. They'd found him in a vampire nest, still alive, but just barely.

"Really, Dean?" Sam asked, sliding into his seat in the Impala, door creaking as he closed it. Sure, he and Dean were still young, not even in their thirties yet, but it wasn't a thought that Sam completely balked at.

"You bring a kid into this world, and then you can friggin' lose them. That sound like a good gig to you? And they're ungrateful little shits. You see the way that younger twin was always pouting 'cause he didn't get what he wanted?"

Sam just laughed at his brother's words, knowing Dean probably just needed something to complain about after the hunt.

"What? You want a kid?" he questioned, shifting the Impala into gear, and they set out away from the town.

"Is that so crazy?" he asked. "I mean, it was gonna be a long way down the road, but me and Jess, I thought, you know, maybe…"

"But you're a hunter now. This life, there ain't no room for kids."

Sam nodded, realizing Dean was right. Besides, that'd mean he'd have to find someone, and there'd be the trouble of that, and then having to raise the kid in this life. He couldn't do that to them, not after what he'd been through.

"Yeah. Probably right," he sighed.

"I don't even like kids."

"They're okay."

"Think I had enough parenting for one life, anyway," Dean heaved out. "I took care of you."

And Sam bit his lip and looked out the window, watching the sprawling golden fields pass by, not sure what to say to that, but feeling guilty as hell.

* * *

"You wanna talk about him?" Sam asked.

He and Dean were at Bobby's, sitting on the couch in his study, side by side. They'd sat there in silence for a long time. A lot had happened, but Sam had his soul back, and for now he was okay, or he seemed to be that way.

"Ben, you mean?" Dean asked.

"Yeah. Dean, you're… you're a dad."

"Heh. Yeah, you're right, I am." Dean shook his head, and looked down at his hands that hung between his knees. "And I walked away. I fucking walked away from him, Sammy."

Sam didn't know what to say to that, but he knew his brother needed to hear something, so he said, "I'm sure he understands."

"Did we?" he asked, turning to him, fear and vulnerability in his eyes. "When dad left us all those times did we understand? We couldn't. We were just kids. Sam, he's… he's just a kid. And I don't know if he's really my kid, or not, but he's… he's _my_ kid, you know? He's my kid. And I can't even call him. He'll be in danger."

"Remember that time you said to me you didn't want to be a dad?" Sam said. "Were you scared of this?"

"I… I don't know. I didn't know it could feel like this, you know? But I taught him, and I cooked for him, and tucked him into bed, and took him to school, and helped him with bullies, and tried to do right by him. And now I'm just… not there. But at least he's alive."

"At least he's alive."

"Sammy, I messed up. I was selfish thinking I could be a dad."

"Dean-"

"No," he exclaimed, rising and drawing away from him. "We're not meant for it."

* * *

Years later, Sam and Dean were lying in the Impala, drunk, feeling very alone. Dean was in his late thirties, Sam in his mid thirties, and life was getting on.

"You ever wonder what we're gonna leave behind?" Sam asked.

Dean burped and then laughed at it, making Sam smile at the ridiculousness of his brother.

"Alcohol," he answered. "We're gonna leave behind lots and lots of alcohol."

"What? We gonna raid a liquor store, or something?" Sam teased.

"Yep, and stock the bunker shelves," Dean said slowly, arm raising up so Sam could see it. "Up, and up, and up."

"Dude, I'm serious," Sam said.

Dean chuckled. "So am I."

"I mean, there've been kids in the life who need a place, you know? We could be there for them."

"Hmm, as commanding officers? I'd kinda like that, yelling at everybody."

"As mentors," Sam argued. "As-as… as parents? I don't know."

Dean grabbed the front seat and pulled himself up, glaring down at Sam, and he swayed.

"We ain't parents. I tried the kid thing, alright? No."

"Dean, it'd be different," Sam almost whined, realizing the alcohol was affecting him way more than he'd thought. "Maybe it'd be like what Jody has."

Dean gave him a half smile. "Jody's friggin' awesome."

"She is."

His brother flopped back down on the seat, and then groaned.

"So my baby brother wants to be a dad," he commented.

"Dean, I'm not-"

"A baby?" he chuckled. "Yeah, I know. I know."

And Sam drifted off, wondering if he'd ever have the chance to be a dad, but he was feeling empty, and realized he wanted it very badly.

* * *

"Father."

Sam couldn't breathe, having never been called that before. That, and he was absolutely sure this inhuman child had mistaken him for the Devil.

But he later learned that he'd been mistaken for Castiel.

They took Jack in, and Sam tried to teach him, monitor him, make sure he was doing all he could to have him turn out alright. And while he did that he grew to love him. Oh, how he loved him, loved him so dearly he couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

Sam would do anything for him, and Dean grew to think the same, till they did lose him, till Jack died in the bunker, his body shutting down.

Sam felt the wrongness of it, something a father should never have to feel: that of losing a child.

_It should've been me,_ he thought. _It should've been me._

He didn't know how it could've been him, didn't know how the situation could've been reversed, but he knew that he would rather be lying in that bed, dead, than his son, that the parent should pass before the child.

And he was empty without him, and so he fought to have him back, and he knew the truth when he yelled, "He's our kid!"

_He's our kid._

They hugged Jack, and held him, and their son smiled at him, and Sam felt fulfilled, and he knew his brother did too. They were dads, and they had one hell of a kid.


End file.
